D N F

The rain was bucketing from the heavens, it was after midnight, I'd been running for over 12 hours, I felt like sh!t.....I knew it was over.  Lap 14 had been a misery fuelled shuffle, and mostly power march round the course, dropping my average pace below where I needed it to be at that stage, and dropping my core temperature to sub-zero, whilst fighting the voices in my head.

This was totally not the plan, and I'm not generally a quitter.  Even the best prepared runners cannot guarantee that everything will come good on race day, and I had a few reasons for failure this time around.

Photo of base camp swamp by Cat Adams

Some idea of the massive hailstones

Our tent after the hail (photo by Clark)

To put things into some perspective before I continue my tale of woe, I did manage to cover 56 miles in 12 hours 35mins, in some of the most horrendous conditions.

Clark and I travelled up on Friday afternoon, having packed what seemed like the entire contents of our house into the car again this year (having a few days holiday after the race is a great idea but means there's a need for wetsuits, bike gear.....).  Thankfully, Helen and John were lending us one of their spare tents again, so 'home' was already in place when we arrived (interestingly close to the portaloos...which hadn't been in situ when they had pitched up!). 

We'd also had to make an emergency stop on the way up to get my pirate fancy dress outfit after the place I'd first ordered from had let me down!

The weather was ok on the drive up, and we were hopefully for favourable conditions like last year, despite the forecast... However, that was not to be....

We went into Aviemore for some good scoff, and then back up to the pirate party for a short while.  I was still feeling pretty wiped out from the bug I'd had the prior weekend/week and after a hard week at work, I'm always ready for a friday sleep.  In hindsight, ideally I'd have taken some sick leave from work when I had been feeling ropey.  The battle in my head was that it was a bit rich to take time off sick and then go on holiday with the aim of running 100 miles, so I opted to try and ride the illness out.  At the end of the day, work is unfortunately the priority, and running 'only' a hobby....

I didn't get much sleep Friday night.  It was really cold, so I whacked on my massive down coat and that helped.  I woke with a really sore throat though, which I did put down to the cold, clear air...popped a couple of paracetamol, and hoped it wasn't anything more serious.

Me & Helen before the start (photo by David Mooney)

After some breakfast, race prep and general fannying around I tried to get some more rest before the race briefing. And with 5 minutes to the start, I almost forgot to pin on my number (risking the wrath of Ada from the outset! Pheeew!).  I was feeling ok at this point. My throat was still a bit rough.  Nothing I thought I couldn't run off...

I ran the first lap mostly with Kerry Sweeney and had a good blether.  Timing wise was ok and it felt good to be started. I made sure I lapped my Garmin at the start/finish, and pulled into my support tent for some juice and snacks.  The plan being to eat and drink at every passing (including taking water at the 2 mile aid tent each lap).  The fuelling plan went well, and throughout most of the time I remained in the race, I ate well and had no issues - taking on haribo, tea, coffee, Clark's magic pork and chorizo casserole, coke, cheese, ginger beer, squash, fruit, a couple of chocolate coffee beans...only one gel, and no Nuun.  The one thing that didn't agree with me was a Food Doctor Cous Cous pot, which I'd enjoyed last year!

End of Lap 4 (photo by Clark)

The rain eased off at the end of my third lap I think...by this point I was soaked through.  Clark made me leave my jacket to try and dry it out, while I went off for another lap in my long sleeved.  This was wet through and I changed it (and the t-shirt I had on underneath!) for a short sleeved for lap 5 as the conditions looked to be improving.

Lap 5 was a head burster, and that was before the hail storm just as I finished it.  I'm actually starting to think that I actually only really get into an event after about 25-30 miles, and I sure wasn't feeling the love at this point.  I think I'd taken a couple more paracetamol at the start of the lap as my throat was still sore, and my left ankle was starting to make grumbling noises at me. I was trying to play mind games with myself like 'top 5 favourite Kylie songs (don't judge me!!)....

 After a couple of coffee beans and some coke at the end of this lap I did have a wee resurrection though and felt quite chipper for a good few laps.  I'd also decided I was going to start counting the laps downwards rather than up...so lap 6 was actually lap 20, lap 7 was lap 19 etc..and this was quite motivating (when I could actually remember which lap I was on).  The thunder on lap 6 was a bit scary pants time (thankfully I didn't see the lightening), as it rattled right down the glen and seemed to linger for ages....

And so it went on.  I wasn't at all enjoying the first section of the course this year.  The first section through the trees was water logged, and I just couldn't find the fun.  I enjoyed the hill after the aid station (which as usually was manned all through by singing, dancing, motivational folk), and I was enjoying the long downhill for most of my time out there.  In my head, each lap was 'done' when I got to the corner at the top of the downhill (which is weird, as that's still over a mile to the actual end..).

Yes, he did wear that outfit for the whole race!
And apparently wasn't feeling the cold the rest of us were!

I stuck my music on for lap 7, despite the fear my iphone might drown, even in a plastic bag. This was earlier than expected but did help, as I wasn't really seeming to be in pace with anyone for long, and other than a few quite pleasantries, there is a lot of 'quality' time with the voices in your head.  I only had one wee happy crying wobble (just before Johnny Fling, eventual winner of the guys race, passed me) whilst listening along to Dolly Parton..

I've chased after rainbows
I've captured one or two
I've reached for the stars
I've even held a few
I've walked that lonesome valley
Topped the mountain, sowed the sky
I've laughed and I have cried
But I have always tried

I've always been a dreamer
And dreams are special things
But dreams are of no value
If they're not equipped with wings
So secure yourself for climbing
Make ready for the flight
Don't let your chance go by
You'll make it if you try

So try to be the first one up the mountain
And try to be the first to touch the sky
And try to be the one who makes a difference
Try to put your fear and doubt aside
And try to make the most of every moment
'Cause if you never try you never win
So try each day to try a little harder
And if you fall, get up and try again

Nothing is impossible
If you can just believe
Don't live your life in shackles
When faith can be the key
The winner's one who keeps determination in his eyes
Who's not afraid to fly and not afraid to try

So try to be the first one up the mountain
And try to be the first to touch the sky
And try to count your blessings and keep counting
And try to soar where only eagles fly
And if you fail at first just keep on trying
For you are not a failure in God's eyes
The first step is the one that's always hardest
But you won't amount too much if you don't try
So spread your wings and let the magic happen
Cause you'll never really know if you don't try

(Read more: Dolly Parton - Try Lyrics | MetroLyrics )

The end of the 12 hour race (photo by Clark)

So, where did it all go wrong those of you who have read this far might be asking??

A combination of things - some I felt I could have controlled and those I couldn't.

I went over on my left ankle several times on the last 3-4 laps.  Some of this was to do with trying to avoid the puddles...I stopped doing that, yet still had some wobbles.  This ankle has been a wee bit jippy since WHW.  Can't find anything majorly muscularly wrong, despite rest, rehab, massage etc, and I managed to run through it with no trouble at other events and in the training runs I have done.  It just felt more unstable and more painful on Saturday night.

My right knee seemed to be imploding on the downhill 3 laps from the end.  This is the knee that I damaged my medial ligament about 5 years ago doing BodyPump and didn't do the right (i.e. rest and rehab) thing at the time and was one of the contributing factors to my stopping running completely 4/5 years ago, getting fat, and deciding (and then being told by the physio) I was never going to run distances again....

These 2 things were the biggest factors I wasn't prepared to risk. Ending up out of action with considerable muscle/ligament/joint/whatever damage is not part of any long term objective on my list!

I was cold and wet...this was in my control (partially) to get over or deal with.
It seemed darker than I thought it should be (even with my fabulous headtorch and a handheld). 
I was moving too slowly, and slowing too early in the race to make the 100 achievable.
At the end of lap 12, I felt over-whelmingly sick.  Not just tired, nausea sick, but proper vomitty sick.  For no apparent reason.  I'd been eating and drinking well, and it literally just hit me in the space of a few seconds and didn't go away.  Had there not been the compounding factors of the knee and ankle I would have run on with the sickness.  There's no shortage of tales of runners puking and getting on with it.  I could have done that..  
History....I have DNF'd once before...in the Edinburgh Marathon the year it ran from Dunfermline into Edinburgh...I'd been unwell the week before....I started to lose speed about 4 miles in....and DNF at about mile 8.....I then ended up off work for about 8-10 weeks with post-viral fatigue.  A repeat of this is also not a viable option I wanted to explore again!  Not for my sake, nor Clark's..nor my employer!

Lap 14 I mostly walked to try and MTFU and get out of the dark place.  I just couldn't.  

The compounding factor for me was missing the 100.  I knew that the rate I was slowing it was no longer a goal I could deliver. It was unlikely that when the light returned I would suddenly get pain free and a burst of speed.  And with that, and all the other voices in my head, it was sensible to call it a day and not risk damaging myself to go any further than the 56.  And I don't say that with any disrespect to the distances everyone ran, it was purely that was what I was hoping to achieve.

It was no easy decision.  Supporters were all cheering as I went through the lap again 'You're going well, looking strong' and yet I knew I was done.  Clark was there, in the rain, as he had been every single lap, ready to feed and water me.  Clearly, I did the usual, and burst into tears, sobbing about putting him through 2 nights camping in a swamp for me to let him down.  As you might imagine, he offered comfort and no criticism (yes, there have been cheeky comments since), and bundled me into the tent to get warm, dry clothes.  Noanie was passing, and I was able to ask her to tell the race crew I was DNF-ing so I didn't have to face that trauma.  She briefly tried to convince me to have a wee sleep and do some more, but I knew I was done.

I climbed into my sleeping bag with every single item of dry clothing I had left on, and tried to convince the dog to cuddle in against me.  I was stinking.  I didn't sleep (god, there wasn't even that 'reward'!).  Everytime I lay down I wanted to puke, and the irritating post-race cough had commence...cough, cough, vomit?

I shed a wee tear each time I heard the horn go for someone breaking the 100 mile barrier. Such respect for everyone who did that, as well as everyone who stayed out, or went back out and carried on.  This year, it just wasn't for me.

Photo by John Kynaston
(Pete Hunter PH, me and Aurel)

I eventually got up, tried to eat, wandered around aimlessly, mostly feeling like complete sh!t, and getting worse.  I felt a bit pathetic for dropping out, especially seeing the effort on the faces of those still going.  I felt ill more than I felt pathetic though.  I must have made the 'right' choice.

Watching the 24 hour runners finish was brilliant.  As the end drew near, the determination grew stronger to complete times, distances or just persevere.  Some (Helen!) even had time to change back into some of their fancy dress outfits from Friday night!  It won't come as any surprise to know I shed a few more tears!

Helen managed a wee can-can on one of her final laps

We didn't last to the prize giving.  My health was going downhill pretty fast, and I'd gone blue, despite the 5 layers of kit I had on.  I just had to get into a shower, and bed!

What went well?
- Feeding strategy (ate/drank every lap with a good variety of sweet/savoury)
- Support (Clark remains awesome, and thank you to John who was mostly there too, and to everyone else who cheered me on either as support crew for others, or as part of the race team)
-Shoes (wore my new Hoka Stinson ATR).  No blisters, no problems.
- Garmin (didn't need charged...ha ha ha..)
- Kit (wore my xbionic 3/4 tights and boxers, compressport calf sleeves, Dirty Girl gaiters, Haglofs jacket, drymax socks to start and new Wigwam socks (soft as a kiss from a new puppy) after about 6/7 laps)

What did I learn?
- Maybe this was a case of FOMO (fear of missing out).  It has been a big year, and I've achieved things I never believed were possible (right from running almost 95 miles at last year's Glenmore to be fair).  This was maybe an effort too much in a space of time since WHW which has seen me complete the DOTH and a 32 mile 10 hour walk.  Too many periods of recovery between events and lack of consistent training not my favourite training plan.
- DNF - Did Not Finish...but maybe also Did Not Fail?  56 miles, 12 hrs 35ish...not a shabby day out?  Or as Clark has just put it "You did finish, you just finished early".
- Dolly Parton wrote/sings some surprisingly motivational songs....

Ha ha

So, now we're at Tuesday.  I'm sitting in a lovely rented house in Aviemore, relaxing.  Last night I sounded like I had pneumonia, today it feels more like man-flu.  Clearly something was fighting inside me stronger than my immunity.  Hopefully a rest this week will shift it. And I know my legs need time to recover too.  They're not protesting at all now (maybe the CurraNZ do ease DOMS?!) but I didn't study all that anatomy and physiology stuff for nothing...hidden wounds take time to heal too.

Still feeling pretty sorry for myself for the DNF.  Deep down I know it was the right decision. Part of the resting and healing will be dealing with that choice.  I still received a medal and race beer for participating.  DNF and 56 miles...total contradiction in my head!

Live, learn, move on.  Glenmore 24, and other races will be there for many years to come. 2014 was not my time to achieve the 100.  Some day it might be.